Priorities
A few years back I had a friend who, when I first met him, was very tall and pretty average weight. I found out through mutual friends that he used to be fat- he had lost over 100 lbs in the previous 2 years- or something incredibly impressive like that. I don’t remember how the conversation went exactly, but I definitely remember the reasoning he gave for losing all that weight. According to him, he one day decided to completely change his lifestyle and shed all those pounds because he wanted to go faster on his motorcycle. And he did it.
I thought of this the other day in my car as I finally, for the first time ever, SERIOUSLY considered quitting smoking cigarettes. I’ve thought about stopping before and half-assed it one or two times, but I’m not a heavy smoker at all whatsoever, so its hard to use the typical health reasons as motivation to quit. Yeah, I might be poisoning myself by breathing in toxic chemicals but I’m not breathing them in that often, so I’m ok with it. What I am not ok with, however, is this: Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart” came on while I was driving, and I found that when I went full force alone-in-the-car on it I couldn’t hit the notes near the end of the song that I knew I’ve always been able to do. Or rather I could hit them, but I couldn’t hit them and hold them*. This is not ok. I also remembered a few days earlier when I was “singing” the guitar solo in “Beat It” and I couldn’t do the very end where it gets super high, even though I expected to be able to. Totally unsatisfying. Goodbye, cigs.
*unBREAK my heart, sweet darLIN, withOUT-YOU-I-JUST-CAN’T- GO-O-O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-oooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-oooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ooOO-O-ON
Pussy/Cat “Jokes”
Dear dudes everywhere: I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the jokes you try to make every 5 seconds about the word “pussy” being in reference to a cat aren’t funny. They’re not. Its not a matter of opinion- its a technical thing. These days cats are really not referred to as pussies. Occasionally maybe “pussy-cat,” but even that you don’t hear often. So if you say “Hey- your pussy is so soft!!” when you’re petting someone’s cat – its just too much of a stretch. It has to make sense on both sides- the cat side and the vag side. But you need the active use of the word “pussy” describing a cat (AND CAT ALONE) happening in a natural way on a regular basis in order for it to work on the cat side- and we don’t have that. And even if we did, it still wouldn’t be funny because the “joke” is made so goddamn often. Hope this helps.
Be Careful
I think people sometimes get off a little on the idea of the world being more dangerous than it actually is.
Maybe its exciting for them or its a variation of getting to play the victim role, I don’t know. But either way its fucking retarded and egotistical to think that everyone is out to get you.
A friend of mine posted on facebook about getting his new GPS stolen out of his car. More than a handful of people immediately commented on his status, saying things like “You’re lucky you only had it for two days so all your information wasn’t in it,” followed by a bunch of comments suggesting that one should not put their real address into their GPS and instead use the Read the rest of this entry »
Reporting Live From The Uncanny Valley
I really wish that reporters and news anchors would just take a minute and decide if they want to be human or not. I don’t care which one they end up choosing- I just want them to pick one or the other and stop bouncing around in the middle because this in-between bullshit fucking freaks me out.
You can have your hair and makeup done perfectly, you can train yourself to speak in such a way that you have virtually no accent and seem to be from nowhere and you can tell us about people getting murdered and other touchy situations showing no emotion whatsoever. Thats fine. But if you do all of those things, then you can NOT slip in a comment about taking your kids to the beach before going to a commercial break because then I try to picture you having kids and it doesn’t work and all of a sudden shit gets weird. You have a regular life and do regular life things?
Its like when you’d run into your elementary school teacher at the supermarket when you were little, and your mom says “Oh look – its Mrs. Gershwin!” and you’re like “I know – lets get the fuck out of here,” because she’s wearing jeans and its dark out and you’re not supposed to see your teachers at night (unless you’re one of those russian kids with perfect attendance from K-5 who would go with their parents to Parent-Teacher Conferences – what was with that? You’re not supposed to attend Parent-Teacher Conferences! You’re supposed to stay at home shitting yourself.)
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog!
I’ve tried to keep a blog many times before and it never works out. I know this is a common thing that happens to lots of people – but I don’t lose interest or run out of things to write about like other attempted bloggers do.
My problem with blogs is different.
In fact, I know exactly where I go wrong and I still can’t get a handle on it. Its retarded.
Here’s the deal:
Years ago, when you created a blog, you chose how you wanted your blog to look by glancing through a set of templates and picking one. These days, all the major blogging platforms pretty much give the user 100% control over how it will look – and I’m not just talking about the basic layout and font colors – I’m talking about Read the rest of this entry »
Juliet Jack 